Well, here it is, Mother’s Day eve and I’m finally going to answer the question that has been asked of me every Mother’s Day since my children could talk, “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Every year my reply has been either, “Nothing, I have everything I want,” or most years, “I just want obedient children!” (spoken while under some duress no doubt).
This year, however, I have compiled a comprehensive list to answer that perennial question so here, in no particular order, is a list of the absolutely perfect presents for my Mother’s Day (get out your pen and paper – you’ll need to take notes).
I really, really want:
1. a clean microwave. Can someone tell me why after scrubbing every square inch of the microwave, inevitably the very next time I go to use it I discover that it appears a cat or some semi-small rodent has exploded inside, a fact that seems to be a total surprise to the rest of the household, as in “Oh, would you look at that!” and “Apart from my science experiment and warming up last weeks leftover spaghetti, I NEVER use the microwave so it can’t be me.”
2. my house to shift by approximately a meter or so. I think this is the only explanation for why coats are never put in the closet but thrown on the bannister just beside the closet or why dirty dishes are left on the table or right on top of the empty dishwasher or why towels can’t seem to make their way to the towel rack but are found crumpled and damp in the bed/basement/kitchen/under the current paint project or on the floor immediately beneath the towel rack. And some rooms, judging by the mounds of what can be both clean and dirty clothes (who can tell which are which – I swear some weeks I wash just as many clean clothes as not), look like about 74 people were vaporized. I think it’s just like adjusting the screen resolution on the computer. The house is clearly at fault here and needs to be tweaked by a few feet or so, then everything would shift those few inches/cms and fall into place – I know it would.
3. a toilet paper manifesto. Various anonymous family members can lean the new toilet roll on top of the empty cardboard roll but can’t figure out how to take the old roll off and put on the new one!!! Seriously!!! People, people, people – this is definitely NOT rocket science! Do you need a tutorial, a YouTube video perhaps, a powerpoint presentation? I could fly in an expert – well, no I couldn’t, but seriously. And the very worst is when I am racing into the bathroom and onto the toilet and I glance over at the toilet roll and SURPRISE, there are the two tiny squares at the end of the roll that are super-glued to the cardboard, and that’s it. But no worries; surely the three extra rolls of TP in the cabinet beside the toilet that I just replenished two days ago are still there. Revelation #2: the monster that lives under my bed and eats extra socks has clearly branched out and is now devouring the TP. That’s the only explanation for why the cupboard is totally devoid of toilet paper. And it seems my housemates are as shocked as I am as in, “There was lots there when I last looked,” and “I never use THAT bathroom, well only in emergencies.”
4. a repeal of the meal embargo that seems to have been part of my marriage vows. In my perfect world, a person, maybe that guy from the Old Spice commercials, would occasionally prepare an interesting, tasty non egg/tomato soup/Kraft dinner/hot dog from Costco, meal. Is it too much to ask that literate, seemingly intelligent individuals with education, sense and reason(this is sounding like a Jane Austen novel) who normally figure out new electronic gadgets or computer programs or the mysterious world of Manga, read and then prepare a recipe? Oh and don’t leave the kitchen looking like it’s a candidate for a government disaster assistance program.
I could go on, but I think I’ll leave all the other ideas such as – making AK-47’s legal for mothers, having a hormone-free zone, or banning any music that quadruples my heart rate without exercise – for next year. It’s a start though and should be enough for those of you who are interested in making this the “Best Mother’s Day Ever” for me!
Oh, PS – I also really want my girls to know that I am the most fortunate Mom in the world. Laura, Amy and Molly I am proud of the women you both are and are becoming – I couldn’t ask or want for more. I love you all and nothing you can ever do or accomplish will ever change or diminish or make you more or less worthy of my love. And it’s not earned by filling the basket with the above mentioned items…or any other thing. It just is. Because I’m your Mom – and I love you to the very center of who you are – no strings attached, no conditions.
Except for the toilet paper…